Well, I am trying to keep up with my promise, but, better more often than never at all. Heh. So the grandmother got discharged last Saturday and she's been staying at my place, Alhamdulillah, all is good. The aunts are always over, just so someone is always there in case anything happens. She's still in a very fragile state.

Of course the next thing I'm gonna talk about is very setan, considering the fact that I used a holy word in the paragraph above, but hey, my actions are much, much worse than my words. Saturday night was Fique's birthday and we went clubbing. ha. ha. We went to Attica. Kenny, Mark, Shah, Sherman, Shawn were all there. I had already promised Aisyah, Asif, Nufail, Aien & Haziq we'd have an L4D marathon that night. But before that I promised Sheena I'd celebrate Fique's birthday, when nenek got admitted into hospital I was just like screw this shit, not clubbing but knowing nenek was at home made me feel less paranoid. Aien and Haziq ended up clubbing as well, with some other friends ar Zirca. Mamat and Faliq were there as well, and I was using the dress Mamat got me for my birthday. We all happened to walk past them at McD's and Fique saw Mamat and he pointed at Mamat and he went "Oh this is Mamat ah?" and he walked off. I don't know why he did that. Sherman heard it and was like, "oh? That's Mamat, eh come ah, let's go there" It was cute because, I guess they wanted me to know that they had my back? I dunnoe but it was quite funny. Jennya came and that girl is sofuckingpretty it's like you want to use a paper bag over your head, actually, you might as well be. haha. But she's so nice and she was my dancing partner that night. Told her I'd ask her along if we went clubbing again.

Another notable night was Wednesday night. Aaron, Adam, Yana, Nufail, Sheena and I met up at Simpang. Chilled, had dinner, was thinking of playing L4D but went back to Aaron's place for a few drinks instead. Andrea was there and she ended up joining us and Ally came by slightly later. Very chillout, loadsa laughs but it felt really really nice to be just... chilling there with almost all the original Yamakasi people. We gots new additions now. Nufail and I are still in shock that Aaron actually started a group on fb for us. It's Aaron. Just that small thing, made us feel that much more loved.

Oh and on tuesday (13/12/11) it was Atuk's birthday and because nenek was obviously still too weak to go out, we bought dinner from some shop at kembangan. While ordering, Rafie came by to say hi. The amazing thing was that he was driving towards Eunos and saw my HAIR! so he parked and came to say hi quickly. I'm touched that he actually bothered to park, get out of his car and come say hi. haha.

Anyway, am gonna meet Rafie and Adzfar after work today and must say I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I am looking forward to their boring ass conversations about the damn stock market, that's how much I miss them. haha. I do however want to play L4D with the simei cousins as well. Darn it. I was so torn last week, couldn't decide if I should play L4D or go out for Fique's birthday  but I hadn't seen the rest in ages. And just like tonight, I haven't hung with Adzfar and Rafie since Rafie got back I think. So, I gotta meet them ah. I must not alienate other friends!

Another brainless entry but for future references. Have a great weekend y'all. =]

Monday, 5th December 2011.

Was at work. First day of the last week of holiday programme. Got to work early, had dinner plans with Sheena, Topiks, Bober & Damien. Was using my new electric blue sweater from Forever 21 and the new red wedges from Mimosa at Parkway Parde. I was happy. It seemed like a good day.

So, the land line at Rochester doesn't have the hunting line yet. So we're stuck with one line. Everytime anyone calls in or is on the phone, no one else can use it. And my handphone has no reception here. If I'm lucky i get a little bit of wireless.

I left work at about 6pm. When i got to the lift, Sheena was calling me, i thought it was about dinner. Instead, what she said was "Nenek's in hospital. She had a really bad asthma attack, she's at CHG" I rushed down, only for my mom to call me when I was at Tanah Merah, saying that my grandma was doing much better and I didn't have to come down. When I put the phone down, Aien called me, asking where I was, so I told her tanah merah and she was like, oh! me too, tuition at Ziq's place got cancelled so I got off the train and waited for her. We went down to simei. Wanted to makan and if anything were to happen I'd be that much closer to nenek. So Aien and I went to Long John's. Makan. Went to syahirah to lepak. Asif walked past and saw us, told us he was keeping Aisyah company cause she was gonna go see the MP regarding their case. So we were ike, okay, call if anything. But aftera bit Aisyah called and asked if we wanted to chill with them while waiting for their turn, so we went down. It didn't take very long by the time we got there. We were walking back to syahirah when my mom called and asked where was I? I was tempted to lie, to not tell her I was at simei. Because, if I were at Simei, why didn't I just come down? (Because she told me not to) So she said, good, come now because nenek just had a heart attack. And I just. switched off. I told them I had to go and Asif was like, 'okay, we'll follow you' and I just walked. And they walked with me. They waited downstairs while I went up ( I felt damn guilty making them wait but after repeated attempts of telling them that they could just head off, they still waited [very touched])

Upstairs, she was warded under critically ill list. My mom was inside with Han. Grandma seemed fine? We walked to the corridoor and my mom told me what the doctor said. Basically the doctor asked, if anything were to happen tonight, do you want us to resuscitate? And my mom was like, I haven't discussed this with my family and the doctor said, you'd better discuss it. And my mom looked at me, her eyes red rimmed and said, 'so it's really quite bad' And i didn't know what to do so I hugged her and we both cried. After that, everytime I went in to look at my grandma, I had to hold back the tears. I couldn't understand how she could look so fragile when I just saw her for lunch the day before and she was fine.

My mom, aunty and mummy stayed the night, the rest of us went home. I was still contemplating going to work on Tuesday. But I felt ill at ease. At about 1am my mom called to say that my grandma had another heart attack and they almost intubated her and put her i the ICU. My mom used to work with a pharmacuetical for a while. She knew that if they intubated my grandma, it'd be a 30% chance of survival for her. So they begged the doctor not to. And Alhamdulilah, after giving her a higher dosage of medication, she got better after a bit. Even the doctor was in shock. He kept repeating to my mom, 'we almost intubated her'. I've already lost Uncle Akbar, Jud and Dadi Shariffa this year. I was too late to say goodbye to Jud. Everyone was pushing for me to go to work. I finally snapped and told Sheena off. I told her honestly, I've already lost 3 people this year. 3 people that I care about and I wasn't there when Jud passed. If anything happened, I wouldn't forgive myself. So I didn't go to work. And I managed to switch off days with my colleague so I wasn't working on Wednesday as well. Stayed over at the hospital on Tuesday night and went back again in the evening. The stupid 4 persons at a time policy annoyed all of us but she was in the high dependency ward.

Found out that my grandma has 2 blocked arteries, one was 95% blocked, the other 75%. They did the ballooning procedure on the artery that was 95% blocked. She has to go for another procedure in January probably for the artery that's 75% blocked. She doesn't know yet. She's gonna freak out. Her heart is functioning at 40% right now. But she's so much better. I am so fucking grateful.

In my gut, I thought she'd be okay. But I was so scared to feel that way. Because when Aien called me to tell me about Jud, I thought, 'it's Jud, he's gonna be okay' and 10 minutes later he passed away. Looking at it now, Insyallah, she's gonna be okay. But for how long? I know because of her age, she might go soon. She's 72. She's managed to meet her cicit. Realistically, I know everybody's gonna die. Question is; when? But just because I know this does not make it any easier when someone you care about passes away. You still mourn. And you will always miss them. There will always be an emptiness, that space they used to fill. How does one even deal with people passing? Knowing that either you're gonna watch people you care about go, or those people are gonna see you go.

2011 has been an ultimately shit year and I hope like hell it ends on a good note with my grandma coming home. But I am still so fucking scared. I don't want my grandma to go. Arwah dadi always talked about seeing our children and she never got that chance. As much as nenek has managed to meet one of her cicit's, I want her to meet my kids, if I have them, one day. I can't imagine my kids not knowing about my grandma. How she wheezes when she laughs. How amazing her cooking is. How she always, without fail, thanks me when I give her money. Even if I didn't give it personally, she will call or text me to thank me. How my dad and my grandma always joke around. How she has her hours long gossip on the phone marathons. How she sees us eating/drinking something which she can't and she eyes it and we ask her if she wants some and she smiles and she says 'sikit je'.

This is making me way too emotional. Less than 3 hours to go at work, and than I can make my way down to the hospital.

I'm gonna try and update more often.

All this talk about my old posts and such. I must say Thank You. For being you. For showing me I am worthy of love, even if it were for just a few months. As much as things ended pretty badly, one thing I have always been sure of, those months with you, I have never been happier. You made me oh so very happy and I know, deep inside that you have gotten over me, you've loved someone more than me, but i know for those few months, you did love me. You loved me and I loved you and i poured everything into that.

Thank you for putting me through all that shit. That heartache. All that crying and wishing for anything to have it back, to have you back. Where I am now is not where I was all those years ago. It's amazing how much I've learnt, how much I've grown as a person. Of course there is so much more to learn and grow from but you're probably one of my biggest lessons in life;

Nothing lasts forever. As much as you want it to. As much as you believe it can.

I just locked myself up in the library at work and spent half an hour crying my guts out.
Crying doesn't seem to make it any better.
Spoke to Sheena on the phone for a bit just now. Told her about Jud and we talked about what's happening at home and I started crying in  public. My emotions are a strange roller-coaster. I can't cry in front of people. Sometimes. I'm wired weird. I cry like a baby over the stupidest things but when someone passes away, I can't cry. It hits me later.

The  reasons which explain why I'm such an emotional wreck is that maybe it's cause I'm gonna get my period.
and a little bit of how things at home are okay generally but the underlying waves of resentment are waiting to burst through.
and the fact that Jud passed away. And I never told him how much I sayang-ed him. I always said it to myself. I've told Nufail I believe. But I never told him. He mattered to me.

2011 has been a hard year. Probably one of the hardest years so far. I can't wait to leave work. It's not like I have anything to look forward to. Just to go home, lie in bed and just stare and think. I want to just go somewhere and cry everything out. But it hits me randomly. I really thought after the first cry that I'd be okay, but no. When the floodgates opened on Friday, it's been random bouts of crying buckets. Saturday wasn't so bad. Woke up this morning, getting ready for work and I cried.

Crying isn't gonna help anything. I know that. but it's some sort of release from all the emotional and mental build up. It doesn't totally help but it's a release nonetheless. When I'm focused on something like this, it's fine. But I really wish there were some way to make this feeling go away. For me to be okay with his death. I mean I am okay with his death, I understand it. But I can't wrap my head around it.

Here we were all thinking, 'it's Jud, he'll pull through'.  I have this photo/video montage of him in my head. My favourite moments which I was able to witness. Sometimes it gets to a point where I just feel so sick, like I need to puke.

I am making no sense. I can't imagine if it were a family member or a fucking close friend. How would I deal with that? 15 more minutes. Finally.

How do I even begin?
I've been having ideas whizz past in my head, all the things I want to say, and, as usual, as soon as I see this white blank page, my head goes blank as well.

Let's see. I got to know Jud early last year, when I got to know Mamat. I know everyone else would look at the group and think they're a bunch of mats (and us girls there, minahs) maybe we were/are. But I can tell you that you can't get a group of friends like that. The reason why I can still hang with the group even with Mamat around is because of each and everyone of them.

When aien called me on Thursday to say the doctor said there's nothing else they can do, I didn't believe it. It was too surreal. I hadn't seen Jud in about a month. I told Aien I'd come down. I hate myself cause I didn't rush. I couldn't believe it. I thought, 'It's Jud, he'll pull through'. Less than 10 minutes later Aien called me back sobbing even worse than before,  telling me he was gone. He was gone. Still in shock. Went to my grandparents house, grabbed my bag, took a cab down to CGH. It was 9pm. The nurses were being total asses. Found out it was at S-fucking-GH. Wanted to take a cab down, but Haziq told me that they were gonna bring the body back and I should just stay put in simei. So i stayed at Simei and waited for about 2 hours. Just staring blankly ahead. Unbelieving. Went to his house. Saw his body. Still couldn't believe it. We stayed till about 3plus in the morning. Being with everyone,especially Dayah. Went to Simpang, she barely ate. Went back to his place at about 9am on Friday. Followed to the mosque and to CCK for the burial. Still couldn't really cry. I feel this weight on my chest. Like it's crushing down on me. I didn't really cry till I got home at about 6pm on Friday. I thought, okay I got that off my chest. On the way to Aien house, on the bus, I started crying again. Just when I think, I'm okay, I start breaking down again. Worst part is that it was Wan's birthday yesterday, 13th august. His 21st birthday and one of his closest friends passed  just 2 days before. We gathered on Friday night, I've never seen such a huge group of us and even though there was a divide, we celebrated, we reminisced; all for Jud.

It's hard to see guys, the strong tough ones, breaking down. It's hard to see anyone cry. I hate that I didn't manage to say goodbye, but I'm sure he can hear my goodbyes now.

He was there for everyone, whenever he could. Even when he was weak, nauseous, tired or in pain. He still came down, albeit being supremely late sometimes. He was there for me when I was feeling crappy. When I got drunk and was puking my guts out at simei on a random Monday night. He got thrown into lock up for arguing with a officer because of that. I digress to tell this story.

We had been drinking. I didn't realise just how much and how quickly I had drank. The minute i reached simei, I ran to the toilet and puked. Walked out, and puked WHILE walking. Jud was the only person left. He asked if I wanted water and he went to cheers to get it for me. He was smoking, so he left his still lit cigarette butt on the ice machine outside cheers while he got me water and tissue. Unfortunately, he came out and the wind probably blew his ciggie off. And he got caught by NEA. So they wanted his particulars and he refused cause he said he just went in to get me some stuff and he didn't throw the cigarette. So in the end, since he refused to give his particulars, even with me drunk as a skunk, they refused to understand the situation. So, they brought him in. It was very drama and I've always felt like shit that he got brought in because of me. But that's the kind of friend Jud was. He made you feel like you mattered. He never made me feel like 'you're a friend's ex-girlfriend'. He made me feel like I was a friend.

I realized something. It doesn't matter how much you think you meant to him. It's about how much he meant to you.

He left us on a good night. During bulan Ramadan, on a Thursday night, so his body was brought to the mosque and after sembahyang Jumaat there was sembahyang Jenazah. People who didn't know him may have judged him based on what they saw. Will you die on such a day as well? It angers me greatly that it took his death for people to realise what an amazing person he was.

I will fucking miss his 'perangai mat-rep fights' with Dayah. I will miss his lanky walk, I will miss seeing him skate, I will miss his smile, I will miss him complaining about his pimples, I will miss his wit and humour, I will miss how cheeky he was, I will miss him going 'aww binbin', I will miss seeing him around, i will miss him asking me how are you?, I will miss him pointing out random shit to me. I could list a lot more things I will miss. And I've only known him for a year and a half? The simei guys have known him all their lives/ half their lives. Dayah has known him for years. Their relationship has always been on and off. But they loved each other with a passion, and they were not embarrassed to show it. I can't even begin to imagine how they feel, if I am this affected...

Life as we know it will never be the same. I know of people who don't really know him who are affected. Maybe because he was so young. He just turned 22 on 8th June. We celebrated his birthday like a boss. We got a room, surprised him and had an awesome night. We clubbed on the night of his birthday. I'm glad his last birthday was awesome, we made it count.

I am still numb. I am still in shock. The grief comes in waves.

2 months ago and now.

Surreal.

There's no way to tell you how brilliant i think you are.
It was never mine to say.

I wish I knew what I were good at.
Maybe I'm here just to be; mediocre?

 i was gonna rant here. But after reading some things... Whatever I have to say is trivial. I can't believe I texted you, but I did. And I hope you understand that love, is not something you can quantify, just because you may have fucked up before doesn't give someone the right to love you any less. And they love you, flaws and all. Revel in that because it's not something everyone can get. Be grateful and don't question it. You can't tell someone to love you less cause you think you deserve it. How one person loves another is entirely up to that person. True, maybe that love makes no sense at all. But I think the best of human emotions make no sense. Love, compassion, courage. You just want the other person to feel good. And you do it without expecting much (i cannot say nothing because it's not entirely true) in return.

There are people I know whom I would love to shake and to tell them to wake the fuck up because you are such an amazing person and I speak not for myself. But you keep bringing yourself down. How much can I do? You have to believe it. Believe in yourself. You have the capacity to do so much, Don't let the fear of failure bring you down. I have disappointed myself, time and again. And until today, I cannot decide which is worse, disappointing those who believed in me, or disappointing myself. Honestly, I think it's harder for me when I disappoint myself because, no one feels or can truly understand how much heart and soul I've poured into something only to have it fuck up in my face.

I wish i could.. i dunnoe.. punch your fucking face in.
Den maybe you'd feel something. Anything.
I need a new life. I need to stop holding on to nothing.
Cause that's what you're supposed to be; nothing.
But you're in every breath, in every smile.
I just can't seem to forget.
Why can't I just... forget?